I found my strength ...

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2006-02-09T17:39:00

2006-02-10T01:40:03Z

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul
That makes us reach for more, plants a fire in our hearts
&& brings peace to our minds.
That’s what you’ve given me ...
And that's what I hope to give you forever <3

I have you & I have everything I need
From that first look, I knew I found heaven in your eyes
Because I was loved ...
When I hold you, I hold everything I dream of
This world seems so right with you
And I'll never forget ...
I thank God for every moment that I have you here
Some people search their whole lives
And never find what I have found in you
I'm glad that I've been blessed to have you in my life
Because I am loved

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2006-01-21T19:34:00

2006-01-22T04:41:00Z

we have the best times in the world <3

I know I have to do it, and you won't understand. It's just so hard to see myself without him. Every day, I feel a piece of my heart break. But when you're standing at a cross road there's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry.
And let go of some things I've loved to give to the other side.
I guess it's gonna break me down. I dont know what you're trying to hide.

It's sad that sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
starts with goodbye. I know there's something for me out there, just waiting.
But getting there means leaving things behind, it's just all so bittersweet.

I can't learn to live without... and I can’t give up on us now. some say we're through, and i tell myself I'm over you. But even if I made a vow, I'd promise not to miss you. Now I try to hide the truth inside ... I just can't live your lie.

Sometimes i just don't know ... i dont understand how or why it all works. all of the hope is disappearing and determination slips through my fingers. faith is so hard to hold on to these days ... my prayers are being shattered. piece by piece, its tearing me apart.

. . . but then you smile && it all goes away. just for a moment in time.

one true love

minds of brilliance

we are so strong <3

**through it all. together. everyone. til the end.**

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2006-01-01T19:47:00

2006-01-02T03:48:32Z

well it is 2006 . . . another year is over.

After all this time, i never thought we'd be here, but we are. When my love for you was blind, i couldnt make you see it. See that i love you more than you'll ever know. I used to fall asleep in hopes of dreaming that everything would be okay ... but nights of hope are slowly fleeting, it seems, and they disappear as reality crashes to the floor.
We aren't going to live forever, so is it now or never? I can't make up your mind for you . . . I can't live without you, but i don't want to live a lie.

Last night was TONS of fun ... with carli & (later) melody & sarah. ((Heath bars, piggy pizza, chocolate cappaccino's, our dance, sarah being a mean laugher, the wreath on the floor ...))and today was too !! At islands with chala, cartles, shal, sarah and michelle. I can't believe michelle had no idea what was going on. it was great && once again, we ordered way too much food. But its okay because i love you girls and every time i feel like i have nothing, i turn around and you are there, backing me up and proving that you do care. theres alot that i dont understand right now, so it means alot to me that you guys are here. =]

I'll be gone til wednesday in big bear ... but dont forget about me.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-12-27T18:22:00

2005-12-28T02:26:35Z

i hope y'all had a greaaat Christmas.
i know that i most definitely did.
i cant believe its over already. it came and went so fast, but now we have New Year's to look forward to. =]

Being perfect is not about winning. Its about you and your relationship with yourself, your friends, and your family. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that, than your perfect.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-11-24T20:44:00

2005-11-25T04:47:26Z

I am thankful for . . .
Laughter. my house. The tree in my backyard. My family. my doggie & my kitty. tulips and roses and sunflowers. ice cream on hot days/hot chocolate on cold days. Jamba juice. The rain and thunderstorms and lightening. strength and angels. Jessie, my rock and my lucky ducky. my friends and family back in New Hampshire and MA. Nathan, my dream come true. the sun and the moon. all my memories. trust. the stars. sailboats and trains. my comfy pajamas. hearts and peace signs. chocolate and water. emily, my pinky slinky. the ocean and dolphins and whales. beautiful sunsets and sunrises. friendship. shalini, my esa. the clouds when they are pink and purple. pretty necklaces. Harry, Hermione and Ron. my pillow and blankie. Mychala, my number one hugger. my dolphin lamp and bear stuffed animal. my warm slippers. stories. Michelle, my walnut sister. pies and cakes. true happiness. self expression. Sarah, my Samuel. the ability to live and feel. smiles and tears. forgiveness. Carli, my cartles. soccer. these past years. Cape Cod and Kauai. Corinna, my rinna winna. poems. my church. hope and faith. reason and meaning. and love

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-11-12T18:37:00

2005-11-13T03:25:44Z

the memories we have made together will never disappear.

this was most definitely the surprise party that my friends threw for me like 2 1/2 years ago. sarah told me we were going to jamba juice, but instead i got a party !! =]

me and emilishia at the beach !! because we both love the beach so much and we love our smoothies. but not as much as chunky jamba juices. i dont see you much anymore em, but i still love you. never forget partays with parkay and being stupid little kids together. since 3rd grade .. you and me.

the magic 6 !! 2 summers ago at my house when we watched the princess bride and burnt popcorn and walked through mud to get to michelle's house. we've been through it ALL. together. i owe everything to you guys.

my crescent girls !! we've cried together, laughed together, danced together, ate together and camped together. that basically sums up our lives right there. you guys are amazing. sometimes you seem so close ... but you are really so far away. we dont see eachother much, but never forget all the good times. pinky slinky && chocolate cakes forever.

this is colorado, pikes peak with chelsea, jordann and stephanie. some of my amazing soccer girls who i have known since like forever. we see eachother so much and yet we never get sick of eachother. on and off the field you guys mean the world to me. we're totally 'cool' friends even though none of you will admit it. ;]

img src="http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a337/esacc/IM000132.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

chala and cartles !! no matter how bad things have gotten between us, we always make it out ok in the end. im glad that we have been able to stick through everything because i need you guys. especially these past few weeks. thanks for putting up with me. i love you for that.

UH OH OREO !! haha best friends since 5th grade !! grass fights and reindeer and watching cheap narnia movies. even though you guys ditched me to knit in 7th grade we're still here. you two always make me laugh & i love eating chocolate covered almonds and reisens with you guys. thanks for everything.

corinna weena & michelle eifert sisquiert !! it seems like i've known you both for every but really i've known you for only 1 year and 5 years. i love spending time with you both because you always take my mind off all of the bad stuff and make it go away. we always have fun pretending to be choo-choo trains and singing about walnuts. you are amazing. thanks for being here.

thats me and nathan. obviously. i dont really know what to say. its been uhh ... a year and a little but it seems like i've known you all of my life. i havent though, but thats ok. thank you for always being here for me. im glad that you let me talk about anything and everything. we're both so different from who we used to be & without you right now ... things would be .. sad. lets just say. i love you. always and forever.

yay !! my sleepy head best friends. thanks for everything you guys. all of you. i mean it. dont ever forget anything that we've been through. even the bad times. because they help us today and have made our friendships unbreakable.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-09-30T15:27:00

2005-09-30T22:29:20Z

I don’t know, I just cant read the signs anymore.
I don’t understand how it all works. Sometimes I wish I did, and other times I wish I didn’t. Its so unfair, but its all expected.
Now that I think back, I don’t get how I didn’t see it coming. Everything is a huge mess now, and I don’t know how to undo it. I can’t say the right things. I was never able to anyways, so why does it matter. If I cant make myself better, than how am I supposed to make this better? I cant.
Its so simple, yet so complicated. I just don’t get it at all. But let me tell you … never get stuck assuming something like this ever again. Because what was said, was not true. Trust me. You have taken the words right out of my mouth, so it seems like there is nothing left.
But who knows, maybe it will all be okay in the end. I still have hope and my dreams. And even though dreams aren’t real, they still mean something to me.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could take it all away. You don’t deserve the pain, I do. But please try to believe that it will be okay. And that in the end, every bad thing that happens has a reason. Don’t listen to them all, listen to yourself and what you think will happen. Be strong because if you aren’t, how is anyone else supposed to be?

Look to the person who lifts you up above all the hurt. Hold on to them, don’t let them go. Being here for me is everything that I could have asked for. There is a smile on my face because of you. These past few days, I have actually been able to laugh because of you. Thanks.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-09-26T17:11:00

2005-09-27T00:13:44Z

that's so fetch !
he's so totally crunching on you !
i love you two .. so much. no one even knows. no matter what, you always help and talk to me even when it seems like the world is out to get me. just .. thanks thats all.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-09-14T18:03:00

2005-09-15T01:45:37Z

The word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before,
But you never really had a doubt.

maybe ...
your gonna be the one to save me.
Cause there's no one ...
who gets me like you do.

spend time with the people
who make you happy =]
they always bring out the best in you.

for now, i am at a loss for words.
but i guess thats what happens
when you feel the way i do
about somebody.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-09-05T18:46:00

2005-09-06T01:52:29Z

school is back again.
another summer has come & passed.
sigh.
be you or be nobody.
be thankful or be quiet.
dont tell me how to feel or who to be.
i love you even if they dont.

life is a funny, wonderful thing.
smile always <3

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-08-26T13:10:00

2005-08-26T20:10:24Z

i'm leaving in like 3 hours for my hunnington beach tournament. i'll be back sunday night. last weekend of summer is spent playing soccer, wow.

this summer .. there is alot i wish i could have changed. i know i cant, and so therefore i am overall happy with how things are. we told eachother that we would spend alot of time together. obviously things didnt work out. you know who you are. or maybe you dont ...

im glad i got to spend time with y'all. its sad that we're going back to school. and i cant wait til shalini gets back. i saw her twice this summer. oh and jessie, i have your birthday present. sorry its late. ill give it to you on monday, yes?

we all live in denial and its stupid. just live up to who you really are. be who you really are. dont be fake, like so many people are these days. stop letting people walk all over you, stand up for yourself. if you hurt someone, well they deserved it if they hurt you. what comes around goes around. always remember that.
we all have feelings and we are all unbelievably complicated. i dont know about you, but i've given up trying to understand how life works. though it never ceases to amaze me.

the answer to some of our questions will only be found throughout time. too bad im not a patient person.

the truth sucks and it hurts more than many people would care to believe. its my life story .. and everyday i am blessed with another lovely example of it.

im thankful for this summer. though it hasnt been the best, it hasnt been the worst. and i hope that you take a second, or a minute would be nice too, to look back on it with good ol' happiness in your heart.

to all of you who have put up with me and my selfish self, thank you.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-08-22T11:29:00

2005-08-22T18:33:07Z

saturday was jessie's birthday !!
yeah me and her definitely partied it up. we went to subway & panda fresh and ate PARKAYY and ketchup !!! yeah we basically hung around and talked and threw rocks in the pool to relieve our anger. then met up with emily and went to coldstones & in jessie's spa. it was the best ever. no joke. i missed them so much.

sunday was SUNDAY !!
me and nathan went to spencer's championship game together and they definitely won. we basically just had a mocha smoothie thing and talked to larry and haley. but it was fun because there weren't any dinosaurs there. =] oh and i got my gift too. its the most beautiful thing ever, just like nathan! its been one year & i love him more than ever.

I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you
And all the roads we had to walk were winding
And all the lights that lead us here were blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how ...

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-08-16T16:13:00

2005-08-16T23:14:18Z

a few more weeks of summer. 2 to be exact.

nothing is really that new.
had a tournament this weekend.
went to 6 flags with nathan yesterday. that was ALOT of fun.
*mammals are a type of cake*look at that guy on that horse hah he cant get it*
talked to shal today .. she gets to visit the place where they filmed the SOUND OF MUSIC. lucky her.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes
We've built a love but if our love falls apart
our little piece of heaven turns to dark.

so much for summer of the crescent girls, right jess?

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-08-08T16:20:00

2005-08-08T23:30:30Z

life is good.
me and nate finally went to the beach together on friday. we definitely made a sand castle named sandy land and got salty fries and got 'attacked' by dolphins. it was alot of fun, i must say. i am so happy with him. he's the best.

yesterday i went shopping and bought some things. then i spent the rest of the night with jessie. we hung around, went to baskin robbins & rented the notebook. then watched it, cried (of course) and went to sleeeep. this morning we went to fashion oaks. *bumble buzzzzzzz* *mac & me*

and then was gregory's party. alot of people were there .. and the ice fight was intense. greg is a great cook with an even greater hat. and sarah's shirt reminds michelle of the notebook which is cool. eric showed up too, and his hair is amazing.

well it's only me, michelle, sarah & jessie here in moorpark. emily, carli, corinna, mychala and shal are gone. its very sad.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, that makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts, and brings peace to our minds. that's what you've given me and that's what i hope to give to you forever.

Do you think our love can create miracles? I think our love can do anything we want it to.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-08-02T15:26:00

2005-08-02T22:30:23Z

… We are two different people with two totally different hearts and minds. We lead different lives and think on our own. Why then, is every little thing we do connected? I don’t understand how I know everything about you, but I don’t understand how you work. You are so complicated, this is so complicated. I thought I had you all figured out, but thinking that was one of the biggest mistake I have ever made.

Why do lies exist. If there is one thing in life I don’t understand its this: how do you look me in the eyes, a person you supposedly love, and lie. So you don’t hurt me, that’s what you say. You are hurting me by not being honest. What is love without honesty? I’ve lost my trust twice now because of you. and you think you are the one who is going to lose something. Maybe, I’ve already lost. You have torn me down so much .. and you are doing it again. I don’t understand the way you think anymore.

I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sorry for bringing it up again. I know I was wrong and I didn’t need to question you over and over again. How else do I get my point across though? I thought, maybe, just maybe, after I left you would call ( like you always do ). But you didn’t, which could be a sign of things to come. I’m so so sorry.

My hurts run back farther than you can imagine, they run longer than any amount of time. Are all of you guys able to forget about it, or is it just me? Please, just stop telling me to drop it. I’ve tried, I’ve failed and now I’m giving up. I’m leaving the memories right where they are. I’m sorry I let you down.

Jessie, you have always told me not to have regrets, and not to dwell on things that once were. So how come I cant do either of those. How come whenever my friends believe in me the most, I let them down. You all were always so supportive, so encouraging and you cared so much about us. Thank you. I need all the help I can get, but I wonder if anyone can help anymore. I don’t know what to do.

We’re both hurting .. because of each other. Please don’t give up.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-07-30T18:42:00

2005-07-31T02:03:22Z

new background made by miss jessie ((i helped too!))

once again, i realize how wrong my expectations were. throughout the course of several weeks shock has turned to anger, anger to disappointment and now, disappointment to sadness. this familiar empty feeling waits for me after a smile and lingers at the end of a laugh. summer, i have realized, is the season of change. and with that change comes a painful truth.

every night, i am left worrying about what is meant to last. my thoughts clash into eachother and i lose focus of everything. my eyes ache, heavy with held back emotions. stupid, some would call them. and they are right. i am selfish and ungrateful, this is true.

i want meaning to come back. i want songs to play in my head again. i want to look into the eyes of others without looking upon painful memories or without holding back. i want to see your smiles every day of my life. i want everything to be as it was. will it ..

the past and present are seperated by time. but as time goes on, i wonder if i will ever be able to live for the day that is given to me.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-07-27T09:26:00

2005-07-27T16:31:44Z

so i got back from colorado 6 days ago & it was amazing. we:
*went shopping
*went white water rafting
*drove to pikes peak
*saw garden of the gods
*saw the airforce academy
*played soccer
*and got attacked by lightening
since then i have .. hung out with michelle, sarah, carli, chalers, corinna and jessie. yesterday was the BBUS with carli, mychala and corinna. and it was amazing.
*mychala want another corndog? did the seagull just take IT !?!?
*im lucky
*emily, nathans moving
*alright guys, show us your volleyball skill
*carli, that man is scary
*lets go pee in the ocean ! the dolphins do flips !
i love you guys to death
&&&&& HAPPY BIRTHDAY MYCHALA !!

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-07-15T15:19:00

2005-07-15T22:25:30Z

i leave for colorado tomorrow. for a soccer tournament. ill be back on friday.

ill miss my kk, ws, belle, cori, hippie and shmurly gurlie tons. i love all of you and i hope i see all you guys when i get back so we can hang out and so i can show you all my pictures.

*i miss your laughs. i miss your smiles. i miss your craziness. i miss our talks. i miss our stupidity. i miss our boredom. i miss our meals. i miss your jokes. i miss your support. i miss the way you needed me. i miss seeing your faces. i miss our stories. i miss our singing & dancing. i miss the promises we made.*
i miss you so much, but you dont even know.

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-07-06T09:34:00

2005-07-06T17:07:50Z

Life as we know it is changing .. some things are better, some things are worse, some things have stayed the same and some things will NEVER change.

But it seems like you always try to say the things you cant undo. please, find yourself because I cant find you. just be yourself because i dont know you. you tell me that you do your best ... yeah, sure. just keep on laughing cause as i always say, there WILL be another day. for me.

should I be the one to give up on everything? you said you listened, but you never truly did. and look at me, IM to show for it. I told you what i needed, but you forgot. its ok, ill make sure that no one ever forgets me again. the truth you never spoke of is finally catching up with me. theres no denying it. we've struggled with lies that never seem to go away.

Of course i dont hate you. i dont think i ever could. im not giving up ... i could never do that. but we're just so different now. I know I need to step up and be strong and just forget everything that happened. just like you forgot everything i said. we thought we knew eachother, but looking back, did we?

I always try to hold you up when your hurt. when I need you, you turn away. why? do you know that i feel invisible to you. just talk to me when i need it please. dont turn your head. i dont care about all this anymore, its behind me. its simple, you left me here alone. but i've moved on.

the hurt will never leave. and we are changed. i am changed.

♥ ♥ ♥

i love belle, odette, meg, snow white, cinderella and jasmine soooo much. you guys are my life and mean everythinnnnggggg to me. *lUcky 7*
and my crescent girls of course. <333

mychala* GRUDGEEE *normalll normalll normalll*
michelle* are you looking at what i am? yeah ... that hairy meatball over there.
sarah* michelle, your camera flew out the window. ((allie the window isnt even open))
I LOVE YOU !!!!

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-06-26T12:57:00

2005-06-26T20:05:05Z

summer's been busy so far ..
*trying on wedding dresses & hippie outfits
*going to dance performances
(( michelle your amazing ))
*looking at bird poop
*seeing a man break his chair
*running without spilling hot chocolate
*falling with sandals on
*learning about morals of stories
*missing my esa ..

it's been fun and i've hung out with everyone.
some more than others though ...
can't wait til tuesday night THE QUEST !!
((shal we all miss you tons, you DONT even know. i cant wait to see you on the 31st. please write me TONS !!))

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-06-16T17:40:00

2005-06-17T00:43:52Z

tomorrow's the last day of school !

Of all the things I've believe in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I wont cry ..
Counting the days that pass me by
searching deep in my soul for the
Words that I'm hearing are all lies
It feels like I'm starting over again
The last year was just pretend
And I thought ..
Goodbye to everything I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I held on to
I still get lost in your eyes
I can't live a day without you
But it's not right
it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time
I want this to last
But I'm not giving in again
And when the summer stars fall
I will lie awake
Thinking .. remembering
all the things i believe in

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-06-11T19:02:00

2005-06-12T02:02:41Z

mychala ...
you asked me a very good question today.
and im sorry i didnt answer it,
but i've been thinking about it
and there are a million reasons
so if you still want to know
i'm here ...

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-06-06T15:27:00

2005-06-06T22:42:55Z

a lot has happened in a week.
things are changing a little bit again ...

sha-weeners* im always here for you. im sorry ive been hard on you. but i just want you to know that no matter what ill always love you and you will always be MY esa.
jessie* thank you so much for listening and understanding. you are my lucky ducky hero forever. ♥

the feeling of being unwanted and not needed is the worse feeling in the world. im just starting to understand that the people you think you know the best can turn around and slap you in the face in the blink of an eye. you never know whats coming. and you never know what other people think about you. the world tries constantly to tell us who we are, thats why you HAVE to know yourself. it sucks to be disappointed, hurting, confused, scared, lonely and unworthy at the same time.
i have finally decided that im not changing my opinion for anyone anymore. i dont care if you dont agree with what i think or believe. you dont have to, but dont shove it in my face and tell me that im wrong. the world needs different opinions every once and awhile, and i guess i am just one of those.
lying sucks. being lied to sucks. so dont lie. its really that simple.
forgive & forget.
thats the only way we're gonna get through life.

*one day your going to discover something that cant be explained by science. and when you do, your life will change in ways you never imagined.*

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-05-30T11:48:00

2005-05-30T19:02:17Z

i'm sorry. i really cant do this anymore.
im tired of acting one way but feeling another. it's practically what i always do. and nobody EVER realizes it. whatever. it just shows how pathetic i am. i dont want to go on and on about it because i dont want anyone to take offense to anything im saying. trust me when i say this, im writing this for me. so i can understand how i feel. which i definitely dont.

i'm tired of lies, shallow words and broken promises.
thats all i seem to take in and remember. im hurt and i feel alone again.
it seems so easy for everyone else to let go of the past. so why cant i do it. i cant seem to forget things that i know i NEED to. and YOU always say *let it go. its the past. its over. move on* no. YOU really dont get it. just like i told you. even as i sit here and write this, YOU could care less. i tell you ... but you dont give it a second thought. no of course not. you just stop talking and move on. i dont know why i expect you to care. your different from what i remember these days.

all of this is my fault and i know it. i expect too much, i want too much from you. people always say im too harsh, too critical ... blah blah blah. but its because i need you to understand. i need to be able to rely on you. i dont feel like i can. and like i said, i feel alone again. i dont want to go back to how things once were. i hate my past and who i was. the memories keep following me. i hate it.

i cant bring myself to explain this to anyone. i dont know how ... and i dont plan on doing it. but if i could find a way to show you. i would. i promise you that.
i love my SaMmS 5 and crescent girls for always being by my side. i wish there was someway i could thank you for it.

theres only one way i can fix myself and how i feel. and i know what i have to do. i just hope that it works. i really truly do.

<3 ... </3>

ocean_dreams_xo @ 2005-05-29T18:06:00

2005-05-30T01:09:15Z

friday night **
shals partay. me and her got jamba juices and it was awesome. there was definitely sand in the toilet ... and shalini thinks it was donald. i got attacked by her crazy dog. and she acted like paparrizi the whole night. yes it was ... um cool. ohh and the garlic bread was amazinglyyyy good. BUTTERCUP !!! i love you guys !!
saturday **
two soccer games ... tied and won.
i went shopping and out to bandits for dinner with my mom and sister
sunday **
two soccer games ... lost and won.
now im sitting here
and the oven is beeping so i must go and get the food.
tomorrow is soccer partayyyyy yeah.

stephanie ** so i hear you hide in bushes. and if your into that kinda thing ... well i guess thats cool or whatever.
haha i love you
<333

*I found my strength ...*